being transparent

OK...I'm at journaling class and we are going around the class introducing ourselves. We all pretty much know each other, but there are some that you don't know. It gets to me and I introduce myself..Jo, husband, children, teach, etc. Next... Then the leader says and She is a breast cancer survivor. Yes, I say. Next.

I go home and talk with a friend from class about it. Why does she do that? I want to put it behind me. Friend says, You can't...it's your witness. And I must agree!! It IS my witness to how God carried me through such a hard year. I absolutely could not have done it alone.

Fast forward...we get a new person in class. So we all introduce ourselves. It gets to me and everyone is just a grinning, cause just last week I told them all how I was offended weeks ago when the leader had 'finished' my intro. So YES...Jo, husband, kids, teach AND I'm a BC Survivor REAL LOUD!!! They all clapped and laughed. It was a great thing and I felt real good saying it!

Then they wanted real transparency so I told them the surgery was gonna be a little more than what I had said earlier and explained it all to them. You just hafta have a good humor with it all. Looking forward to my 'new me.'

1st ps visit

Here is the beginning of a "matching set". We knew from the very beginning that I'd have more surgery to complete the final outcome. With the first surgery, the mastectomy, you are reconstructed very nicely..Barbie style. It looks very nice. That's all well and good, except your good other side is still 42 years old and has nursed 4 babies!! lol So there is not a match there at all. Apparently many years ago this was fought in insurance, but they realize now that women HAVE to get the good side revised to match to be "altogether" again. So we discussed this and talked about an implant on the good side and lift to match the other. The only downfall was that I am so small chested! They really didn't have any implants my size! lol Then suggested I get the reconstructed side a little bigger to be able to get in an implant on the good side. I was like, NO!! I'm tired of surgeries! So they've ordered me a small saline implant for the right side and we'll be ready to go for surgery July 7. I'll have to come in for a pre-op with Kronowitz and the anesthesiologist. Another thing that has bothered me is a place in my abdominal area. A sharp pain there that comes from out of the blue. He is looking at reopening that incision to find out what is going on there. He will also do some liposuction on the reconstructed side to make a cleaner fold below the breast.

new haircut & guitar

I am loving this short hair!! I got another cut recently, colored, and highlighted. I was afraid of what it was going to cost and after I got to the register, I could tell WHY I was so afraid!! yikes! BUT, it looks great and I'm learning how to fix it so it looks very nice.

Well, got an electric guitar for my birthday!!! It was an Epiphone...from the local pawn shop. Used it a few days (had a 7 day return policy) and then picked up my cheapy Walmart acoustic and just couldn't stand it. We returned the Epiphone and the fellow who SOLD us the thing says, Yeah, it's got a bent neck on it...that could keep the sound from being just right! grrrr Thanks a lot for selling it to us! So, feeling real good about the return! lol

So we went to Houston and found one that is beautiful! It is a Takamine G Series... electric/acoustic. So I can plug in when I want or just go without. It's got a wonderful sound. I've gotten to take it to youth meetings and join in the band playing. It has been a dream come true to be able to do that. Learn the guitar and then to play with others. God is good!!!!

Relay for Life

This was my first real Relay. It started with a meal given for survivors and their caregivers. The meal was great and we sat with one of my students from several years ago whose grandma also had breast cancer years ago. I also got a purple Survivors shirt.

At the appointed time the survivors & their families gathered at the archway. You went through the arch I guess as a way of saying "i've been through it!" lol But first the emcee (Officer Drake) had opening comments. Unfortunately the speaker system was BAD and you couldn't hear him at all. They had given him quite a bit to say, then the anthems, then some speakers. The people around us were getting outraged...it was something I haven't really seen before! "Let us walk!" "Finish!" Bless his heart, I felt really bad for him. He did let up one speaker, but when it came for the second and they caused such an outroar, that he said we'd start the walk. And so we did.

It was the most moving experience. As you went around the track, all these people were just clapping for you! And you'd see so many people you know from town from one thing or the other.. church or school, etc. They played songs like "the Rocky Theme" or "I Will Survive" or "the Chariots of Fire song". It was so cool! At one point we just threw our arms up as winners.

I did stay the whole night...till 7 the next morning. We caught Mardi Gras beads, sang with the karaoke, participated in the audience for an Ellen show. We learned to dance the Superman song and just had a really good time! Didn't win a darn thing though...and there was coolest Relay bookbag!! lol Every time they call for anyone who was walking at that time, we'd all run to the track like we were walking!

I hope to be more involved in it next year and am contemplating different Relay fund raisers like I did this year. Can't wait to be there again in 2009.

outted myself - Kids Relay for Life

This week was Relay for Life. Our school also has a Kids Relay for Life where the kids make banners and walked down to the track, make a lap, and come back. It is a big event for us. That Monday, as we talked about what Relay was and where the money that we were raising goes, I talked about chemo, cancer, etc. One girl wanted to know how you got it, so I talked about bad cells...and that there were many kinds of cancer. They asked what do you do for cancer? I talked about chemo and what it does to the cancer and that that's why some people lose their hair. We talked about their family members who have or have had cancer. I told them You know, most people who have cancer.... (and they replied Die.) I said, No..they live...you just don't hear about that...you hear about they people who have died. I told them they would be surprised to know how many people actually had it and they didn't know about it. At this point one of my little girls says, "Like you!". I smile and said That's right. The group just looks at me WHAT?! I smiled and said Yeah, I had it last year. But I had the kind of cancer that you could have surgery to take it out. And after that I had chemo. Remember Meet the Teacher Night? I had on a wig! WHAT? NO WAY! yep. And when I came back with the haircut after Christmas? My hair was finally that long again and I wanted to wear it like that. WHAT?! I told them it was neat to be able to look online and find any kind of hairdo that I wanted...any color, any style, any length. I asked them to think about it: did I ever come to school moping or crying? No. Did I ever say Oh, I think I'm going to die? No. I asked several things that let them know you can have cancer and still be OK!! Functional! Play frisbee! Be Normal! They asked why I hadn't told them sooner...why did I wait until the end of school? I said...cause we just now had Relay for Life. :o) So we made our Relay banner...and put our handprints on it. Those who had family members or friends who had dies we remembered. And those who were still with us, we honored. I told them if they didn't know anyone, to put my name down. It was a great walk and I think much more meaningful to them with them knowing.

hair tragedy

I may have told you I wasn't happy with my hair. Well, I had a meeting at church on Sunday that lasted til about 2. Afterwards I went by WalMart to get a cut and highlights. Their sign up sheet said No Chemicals, so I knew I wasn't getting highlights! But, still wanted the cut. Good thing I REALLY wanted it, the wait was over an hour. Only two stylists back there.

So, while I'm sitting there a little girl, not sure if I knew her or not from school or where, but, we got to talking. She showed me the picture from her hair book for her hairdo. It was Jamie Lee Curtis' picture!! I told her I had THAT picture on my board at school!!! And that it was the one that I was coming back for today!

OK...so it's finally my turn and I go back and tell her what I want done. I know I can't get color, but here is the style. Longer on top so I can do the front section that lays down and to the side, and poofy in the back and short on sides over the ears. She reiterated the whole thing and knew exactly what I wanted. She gets to cutting and I'm thinking UM...WHAT are you doing?! The top..the part I wanted to be longer was CUT!! I didn't say anything...I mean once you have a cut there's no going back! lol

As I was talking with her I told her that I had wanted to have gotten highlights. That my hair had come back white/gray after chemo, that I colored it BROWN but it came out RED..that I highlighted it BLOND, but it came out LIGHT RED!! lol She laughed then turned to the lady at the counter...We're going to go ahead and do a quick cap on her...She's had chemo and some hair tragedy lately and we need to get it taken care of! Oh my gosh!! I couldn't believe it!

So while she is off mixing the color I flick my fingers through the hair..as she has it all combed to the front (no style-about to color it). So I make it go to the side and across the head like normal. I thought OH MY GOSH!!! I love it!! Dang, they know SO much more than I do! It was styled and shaped perfectly.

She does the highlights on top and it turned out really pretty!!! I went home..ALMOST went by Donna's first, but thought...show your family first!! I go in and Graland's mouth about drops! I ask Is it OK?! He says YES!!! I love it!! It's you again! I told him I almost went by Donna's cause it's NEVER going to look like this again!! lol He says Get in the car and go over!!

So, I am feeling good about myself. I learn more and more to keep my mouth shut. God has such bigger plans than I do. He wants so much more for me..and for most I would think...but we want to have it our own way and we just mess things up.

covenant bracelet

I've been reading Believing God by Beth Moore...awesome book!! It talks about a shield of faith encompassing 5 beliefs: 1 God is who He says He is, 2 God can do what He says He can do, 3 I am who God made me, 4 I can do all things through Christ, 5 God's Word is alive and active in me. There was also a part about finding a weak part of your life and giving it to God and making a covenant with Him. It is funny...Donna has been reading the same book and called and said I need an accountability partner...and when she told me what hers was...I said "I want that too...count me in!" The weakness was self-control in the area of sweets. Now, this started the weekend before Easter (March 16) so it came at a perfect time. I had already eaten everything there was to eat since Christmas and Valentines and I knew how bad I was in the candy department. Buying whatever candy bar was there when I checked out of WalMart and whatever I had for rewards in my classroom. Part of the book suggested wearing a covenant bracelet to remind you of your promise to God. So Donna made some bracelets and we've worn them since that day, never taking them off. At the end of the covenant you make the bracelet into a bookmark. You set a date for however long you want your covenant to last..and we chose 3 months. Have I done it? YES! Well, I can't get the credit...it all goes to God. It has been amazing that I have not wanted or desired anything sweet. I can go through the checkout and not buy anything. I can have chocolate bars in my classroom and they remain there UNeaten! It HAS to be God as I have NO will-power. My covenant will end of my birthday: May 31. I'll be able to have birthday cake to celebrate. I have not had any cake, cookie, candy, pie, etc for this time.

Life Flight

I have a student "G" who has changed medications several times since coming to our school. Very ADHD, loud, argumentative, doesn't let things drop. He is very bright, but I have a hard time keeping him focused..he'll sleep (meds) or stare into space. Mom/doctors changed his meds again. So it is his 2nd day on this medication and we've already had some going back and forth during class...not doing work, etc. I say that's fine, whatever you don't do in class can easily be done during recess. (Usually gets any student to finishing their work in record time!) We come back from lunch and he's got his head back and looks like he needs to vomit. I ask if he needs to throw up (while other student's are coming in getting their seats) and he says no. But he looks strange to me...not his usual strange-ness (smirky looks, mad faces, head rolling...which I know are all med related)..so I'm not calling him strange...but his mannerisms... Anyway, he doesn't look right and his arms are out and frankly he is scaring me to death. I take him by the arm and tell him to put his arm on mine and we leave to go to the nurse. I normally just send them down with a note, esp if I have a class in there. But I left w/o even having work on their desks...which I have NEVER done!!

I walk G down the hall and as I walk in the nurse's office I say that he is scaring me. She sits him down and immediately asks for his emergency card and the phone. You would think Christ Himself was there...and He was. Our nurse is the most amazing person I know. She sat so calmly with him and just was so upbeat and happy when it was evident to me that she was screaming inside...she knew the seriousness of this and never let on to G.

We try calming G, but he keeps putting his head way back...he is afraid his tongue is going to fall out. We're keeping his arms back in his lap and stroking his back and face to keep his attention and focus. She calls Mom and gets her on her way. He continually puts tissue in his mouth..I guess so he can feel something there...I don't know. Nurse says he is having a bad reaction to this new med. (OK...by this time Principal has come in and other aids, etc...my room has been taken care of though they have no idea what has happened to me...just that I need someone in my room)

We wait a few minutes on Mom and the nurse says, I can't wait any longer...I need an ambulance. They came immediately, assessed him, and said We're not taking him local, he needs to go to Hermann in Houston.

Paramedics put him on the stretcher and roll him down the hallway, which was completely empty..thankfully. I didn't know until later that they had kept classes from coming down the hall so they wouldn't see anything and be scared. Much longer story...short...he was lifeflighted to Hermann and by then they had given him something to take away all his bad reactions. I saw him the next day with Mom...we had an ARD for speech for him. He was doing great, but Mom kept him out for the day to rest him up again. Our morning work for the day was to make Get Well Soon cards, which was neat. G was able to tell the class about his helicopter ride and he got to pick up all his cards. He is now completely off all his meds and I feel he is easier to be around now. Yes, he has his tendencies, but he is OK. The Lord taught me a lot about love and patience. G and I play frisbee everyday at recess (well, a BUNCH of us play it). I see how fragile each of these students are and keep a keener eye on them. I just thank God so much that He allowed me to see past what I would normally call "please go sit down" behavior. I beat myself up thinking "What if I attributed this to just how he is?" and told him to go sit down. I have to think that God's spirit interceded and took control over this situation.

Liking it now!

OK...this is STUPID I know, BUT...I like my hair now! :) We watched Freaky Friday with Jamie Lee Curtis in it and I HAVE that hair!! lol So I did some curling in the back and some waxing in the front on the bangs and it looks really cute! I just needed to do something with it. I've grown fond of the color. Got some eye brow pencil and using that now too. My brows just didn't come in very dark and they are rather hard to see...so I was kinda blank there! So feeling real good about the whole "look"! :)

no more white hair!

Well, this weekend I dyed my hair a golden brown. If you know my hair, that means it is RED! I can put in pure blond and my hair comes out red! :( I had really thought it would come out brown and am not particularly happy with it. I didn't want a red tint to it, but that's what I've got. I know people are being nice when they say they like it, but I hear Oh, but I liked the white...it looked so good! It made me feel old and it made me LOOK old. I wish I could lighten what I have now but it would probably make it worse than it is.

One year! 04/09/08

It is hard to believe..it seems as if it has been forever, but then like it was just yesterday... but one year ago we drove to MDAnderson to remove the cancer. Ironically, I got a phone message on the machine yesterday from our local hospital from mammography...saying something concerning last years mammogram. I just wanted to laugh...like, WHAT?! Did my mammogram come back bad or something?! lol Playing phone tag at the moment with them. Really DO want to know what she wants to tell me!

Guitar is going great! I am still loving it! Learning more chords and able to read music pretty well. Try not to play anything with a B or an F in it though! lol I am looking like mad for a guitar though...at the pawn shops and on ebay. I'll be teaching summer school this summer to pay for my guitar!! YEAH!!! I am SOOOOOOOOO excited!!!

made the 15 minute club!!

We finally did it...the 15 minute club! We did it on Friday, and I made it then...but had 3 kids absent. So, ran it again today with them and made it again. I am really going to miss my runs with them. I am very much considering running in the mornings before school to keep this up.

a bit of depression

I went pretty low last night. I wore a blouse that had a band on the sleeves near the elbows and could feel that it was a little tight on the left side. Had kind of felt it a couple days now. I looked all over for the fabric tape measure and couldn't find it. Finally told Graland why I was looking for it...to measure my arm girth. Told him I think I know what MAY be causing it, but didn't want to tell him what it was. I showed him my fingertips. "You have a cut?" No, but I've been working my fingers every day and they stay a little sore from practicing on the guitar. I practice every day...I love it!! I just started crying. I found something that I may be good at, and it comes back to bite me. :( When we went to bed all I could ask Graland was "Why does God hate me so much? It's bad enough that I sleep in sweat every night, but take away something I've grown to love?!" Then I cried some more because I knew I was sinning by even thinking something like that! I am SO thankful for how far He has brought me...I could not have done this alone.

At first I thought I had to give it up entirely. But we agreed that I would just cut back on practice..to maybe every other day or shorter session when I do practice. And I had JUST learned "B"!!! And YES!!! that was a HUGE accomplishment! It's a doozie. So today was the first day in about a month that I haven't picked up the guitar. So, in the meantime, I am still browsing through ebay "shopping" for just the right guitar. Acoustic, Gibson Epiphone... as if I know ANYTHING about kinds of guitars!! lol But, I did ask around on my ladies board and it happened to be one that I had kept looking at on ebay and one of the ladies said her husband has it and loves it. I have a little in my ebay account and am waiting for just the right steal.

Doing better today though...and actually my arm is doing much better as well!! At first glance you wouldn't think there was any swelling at all, but it is something I can feel, and I don't want it to get out of hand.

running again

I ran this past weekend to try to keep up my stamina for the 15 Minute Club. I enjoyed the run...plugged in my music real loud in the gym at school and took off! This morning, our first day back from Spring Break (work day) I put in some new music, cranked it up, and had the BEST time running. I can't believe I just said that!!! I PROMISE you I could NOT run to the end of the hall last year without feeling like I was going to pass out!

But I had in the Newsboys, Matthew West, Leeland, TobyMac, Casting Crowns to name a few artists. I timed the 15 minutes and ran it, but the music kept on going...so I walked a few minutes to cool down some...then when a good song...like TobyMac's One World came on...I had to start running again. I flew (arms out), I danced (was like being in jazz again) and just had the best time. The CD was a little more than 30 minutes long..and I quit when it quit. It was awesome! Wish I could do it every morning. I DO have to say that I have to wear a knee brace thing because my left knee hurts VERY bad the rest of the day. I used a knee band today, but it didn't seem to do much, so went this evening to get a long knee support. I'll use it tomorrow and hopefully it will make a big difference. Somehow I am going to HAVE to keep this up once the 15 Minute Club has ended.

hair cut

I don't think I mentioned that I got a haircut last week during Spring Break!! I'm sure the lady was thinking...um...she must be with someone else... lol But it was getting kind of flippy on the bottom in the back and it just needed to be cleaned up, esp. around the ears. So, got the trim and it looks much nicer. It has gotten very thick again!! AND...I think it might have some curl/wave to it. :)